Pain ♖

 So Much Pain.

    So much suffering. And all for what? What purpose does it relay? What message does it bring? Did Van Gogh feel this destructive? Did Beethoven lose his mind instead? Did all the greatest minds of the world, at one point or another, channel their pain into their art? Or is it just meant to consume me instead?

    The constant battle of everyday life is something that is challenging to say the least. Not necessarily the will to live- make no mistake, I very much wish to remain alive- however, the pain of repeating the same patterns, day after day after day. 

    How does one escape the endless cycle? How does one break the chains of madness which have engulfed my mind? The answers seem to keep slipping away, as I slowly try to grasp them. Perhaps I am simply not meant to fully understand what it is that is eating me away.

    The mind is a torture device, when you live instead an iron cell. The bars of destruction, holding me back from truly living. How can one free themselves from the shackles, when one has grown so accustomed to them?

    As a child, I would have a reoccurring dream. I remember it ever-so clearly. The same nightmare, staring at me, over and over again. Walking through a corn field, surrounded by those I loved. A beautiful, sunny day, where the rays touched everywhere the eye could see. The golden horizon, filled with a warm, summer breeze. And the people- the people who were there for me every single day, surrounding me. In that moment, I felt paradise. I felt love.

    And then, all of a sudden- boom. The collapse of the dream. A giant, stone tower, collapsing over us. Like a rook from the game of chess, as if sprung up from a hinge in the ground. The sudden collapse of a barrier, trapping myself and my loved ones in. 

    There was no escaping it. There was no way to break free. Night after night after night, the same dream, returning to imprison me. Constantly waking up in the middle of the night, trying to break free. I quickly learned how to scream while sleeping. I would yell in my dreams, until my heart rate would elevate and I would wake myself up screaming in pain. The constant spike of fear, surrounding myself in the middle of the night, as I shot up from my bed. I still remember the darkness. I can still picture the pain. 

    And then I broke free. One night, after living the same nightmare a thousand times over- I escaped. I went up to the brick walls which were entrapping me, and I pushed them. I pushed until one of them popped out. The hole in the tower allowed the light of day to shine through, as it quickly filled the darkness where I lay trapped. So I continued to push. And slowly but surely, brick-by-brick, the tower began to come down around me. 

    I saved my loved ones that day. I was able to push through the prison which had surrounded us, and I was finally able to see the light again. I was finally able to escape.

    I wish I knew what the meaning of the dream was. I wish I could share some deep, profound advice.

But until then- I’ll just keep on pushing.

    Godspeed