2 A.M. Thoughts 💭

 2 A.M. Thoughts

    Sometimes, letting go can be the hardest part. 

    We always think we’re ready. We always believe that we’ve packed our things and made our peace, to the best of our abilities. However, until one truly sits in the void, starring off into the distant fields which lie beyond the front door- one can never truly know. 

    There’s something about leaving a place for the very last time that haunts me. Something, about finally packing your bags and never looking back, that scares my soul. Even though, deep down inside, we know it’s time- the moment never really feels real.

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    Letting go is something I’ve always struggled with. From moving on, to moving out- something about the past keeps me in place. At least, something about my idea of it. Reality is often more disappointing than we truly imagine it in our head. 

    All my life, I wished for a way out. A path, that I could call my own. The idea of finally stepping into the world, and creating my own, unique experience. To say that I did it all myself, with nothing to my name but my soul. Yet here I am, saddened by the cost. Here I am, afraid to truly let go.

    See, I don’t think it’s the places that I’ll truly miss. I don’t really care about whether I’m standing on this pile of dirt or the next. What really scares me, is the people. Finally moving on, to a place where all the faces no longer look the same. Where the old, familiar sound of my family, no longer exists. You see, it’s the fear of losing out on something for the rest of my life, that holds me down.

    Perhaps I need to just do it. Perhaps, I need to bite the proverbial bullet, and dive head-first into this chapter. However, I can’t help my feel saddened that I’ll be doing it alone. Not because I’m lonely- Heaven knows I can keep myself entertained 100%. But rather, I’m saddened that I couldn’t save anyone else.

    If a ship was sinking, you would do everything in your power to save those on board. You would yell at them to abandon it. You would do your best to pack them into the longboats overboard. You would even fight against the might of the wind, rains and currents, in order to save those you love the most. When a ship is sinking, there is nothing else besides life, and death.

    I cannot save them. No matter how hard I try, they do not see the sinking ship. They cannot comprehend that the water around them, is closing in. They do not feel the ice-cold sensation, slowly rising up on their legs. They’ve been zombified. They’ve lost all senses, and no longer care about the dangers which lie ahead. And all I can do is watch.

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    Have you ever had a nightmare that you simply could not wake up from? One so bad, that you actually slowly begin to realize you’re dreaming? One where you’re almost watching yourself from the outside looking in? That’s how I would describe my life lately. A nightmare, that I simple cannot escape from the frame.

    I thought the rage would fuel me. I thought it would carry me over the mountain tops and valleys in my way. But the truth is- it’s only weighing me down. Holding on to something that no longer serves my purpose, is dragging me far behind. Like a rope, tied too tightly to a horse, as it wraps around your arm while the beast continues to run away. 

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    Sometimes, letting go is the best option. Letting go of what’s been holding you to your current life and situation. Realizing that whatever awaits outside of that door, in the cold, unknown, cannot be worse than this.

    Because whatever is ahead will be a breath of fresh air. An escape route. A way forward.

Something greater than drowning in the middle of the sea.