The Mud 👣

 Stuck.

    Again and again, the cycle continues. Days turn into weeks, weeks into years. Over and over again, I find myself trapped within a system which does not care. A never-ending loop of the same process, running in circles.

    Some say that the spiral is more of an ascension than everything else. That going around is circles, when zoomed out, shows progress. Perhaps so. However, it is hard to know when you’re caught within it. When you’re busy spinning around and around, sliding down in circles. The never-ending charade of motion sickness, surrounding you like bees. The constant buzzing of the winged-demons, who surround you waiting for the opportune moment to strike. 

    Capitalism exhausts me. At least, the idea of it. The practice, perhaps not. At least, not in the sense that I am fully aware of what the options are, once we abandon the current system. That the alternatives to said system are likely to result in death and starvation. That we currently are living in the best form of life which has ever been experienced within the history of the world. Despite all its flaws and negatives, that we are capable of surviving and producing a life worth living. At least, thats what everybody concludes from their own experience.

    I’m exhausted with the idea of it. It drains me, knowing that capitalism does not care about the individual, what so ever. That money takes a higher priority to the public, than the individual. Which is a bit ironic to say, when we look at the alternative. I would argue that socialism, and communism, destroy the individual completely. That they no longer cease to exist, within a system like that. That the individual is broken down and surpassed, so that they may put the collective good of the system ahead of their own beliefs and needs. Either way, it looks like we as humans are caught between a rock and a hard place.

    Wishing for an easy life is not the way a man should live. Asking for the strength to survive a hard one, would be the better alternative. I am a fierce believer in asking for the strength necessary in order to stand tall in the face of challenges which fall before him. The ability to overcome mountains is a better skill than the ability to avoid them. In life, the mountains will always present themselves, one way or another. To hide from the challenge is a form of cowardice- something which I have no wish to practice myself. 

    Dostoevsky said that our worst sin is that we betray ourselves for nothing. Karl Marx believed that as well, in the form of us sacrificing who we are in order to achieve the goals of capitalism. It pains me so much that I agree with them. That I cannot see a way around the price of entry. That selling one’s soul in order to participate is the asking price. The cost is steep, and one that I have not yet been willing to pay. Something inside of me, which refuses to submit or bend the knee. The will of an ancient soul, which knows better than to bow down to a false god. The inability to believe, quite foolishly I may add, that I am capable of serving two gods at the same time. That I am capable of having two masters. The knowledge which i have consumed, deterring me from allowing money and capitalism to consume my thoughts.

    Living in poverty has not been a pleasant experience. I have found little to no joy in my day-to-days. The struggle of waking up, each and every morning, is one which is challenging to say the least. I envy those who arise early in the morning, to go out and grind away for the machine. Those who have masked their purpose, in order to become nothing more than a cog. Those who continue to grind, favouring the advancement of evil over their own true potential. I am jealous that I cannot join their ranks. To sit from outside the box, and watch as they dedicate their lives towards meaningless tasks, accomplishing meaningless things. These things are what keep me up at night. These actions, haunt me to the core. Not because I wish to be doing them myself. But rather, how I wish to be so close-minded and dumb.

    The veil is cracking, and slowly the spell is wearing off. Yet, as more and more see through the cracks, some continue to move around hopelessly consumed by it. Some continue to move as if things are the same as they ever were. That there has never been a better time to be alive than today. Unfortunately, I am not so easily fooled. Sometimes, I wish I was. Something, I wish to bury my head in the sand and shut off my brain completely. I wish to be nothing more than a pawn, whose every step is one which I am directed. To move simply as I am told. To be nothing, stand for nothing, to hold no opinions or thoughts. To be a brainless, aimless fool, consuming away their lives. To constantly chase pleasure, without truly settling down to observe the world I live within.

    I hold on to the belief that God created me this way with a purpose. That I am not meant to simply suffer, for all my life. That I am in the position which I currently find myself, for a reason. That I have not been forsaken to sit in my misery and burn within. I hold true these beliefs, because they are all I have left. Everything else has abandoned me, yet I find myself and my spirits stronger than ever before.

Perhaps that is my lesson,

somewhere deep down within the grief and sorrow.

        Glory Be,

                    Amen.