War ⚔️

 Highway to Hell!

    Just when you think you’ve escaped the cave- the demons try to pull you back in.

    I shouldn’t be surprised, if I’m being honest. Why would evil give up one of their most prized possessions without a fight? If anything, I should have known better and prepared for the worse the entire time. I suppose ignorance is the enemy’s greatest weapon.

    The battle continues. Day after day, the fighting rolls on. Despite the progress, despite the advancements- we find ourselves still in the thick of the conflict. We must be willing to continue to dig deep into the trenches, in order to fend off the evil. To do whatever is necessary to keep it at bay. To not allow it to drag us back to the gates of hell.

    Day 142 in the trenches, and I must admit that I grow tired. I grow fatigue of constantly fighting against the forces which seem to want me to join their ranks. The non-stop conflict has left myself and others wounded and in pain. Though this pain is only temporary, and it surely will pass- I no longer wish to continue carrying it. I no longer wish to hold it within. I believe that the battle which has been at work here is slowly winning over my heart. Day by day, I slip deeper and deeper into despair. My heart, which was once strong and willing to fight- slowly finds itself wishing to let go and allow the forces to consume me.

    As the doubt begins to creep in, I find myself more and more questioning my position. I find myself wondering if perhaps the path I’ve chosen has been the wrong one. Led Zeppelin once said, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run- there’s still time to change the road you’re on. I think about that verse daily. The implications behind it. Perhaps it is time for me to abandon ship and change the road I am on. Perhaps it is time for me to embrace the forces which are hard at work, and accept them into me. Perhaps it is time for me to finally accept that this is simply who I am.

    After years of battle, of fighting, of blood, of near death- I no longer know why I fight. The reasons and morals have slowly faded away into oblivion. I have seen too much, while here on the battlefield. Ignorance truly is the most blissful gift. Although I wish the ability to remain ignorant, being awake is a challenge beyond anything I could have ever imagined. The dark magic and dark spells which we have all been under have been lying to us for centuries now. The very magic which I had seek to destroy has been hard at work against me. I question my willingness to fight it much longer.

    In Lord of the Rings, Isildur is given the opportunity to cast the One Ring into the flames of Mount Doom. Upon arriving, the very forces which Isildur had worked so hard to destroy, slowly crept into his mind. The One Ring went from a force which must be destroyed, to a weapon he attempted to wield. The complete 180degree turn around, caused by the weak hearts of men. The entire story from that moment forward is a direct reflection of the failure of Isildur, and his inability to vanquish the very evil he had spent so long fighting against.

    Sometimes I wonder if my fate is the same as Isildur. To spend years, decades, fighting against the very forces which I had sworn to destroy- Only to wake up one day and to join with it. To fall into the ranks of the enemy, and become their most valuable weapon. To stand tall, all my life, doing what I believe to be true and righteous- only to fall into the hands of the enemy regardless. The very thought of it is welcoming, as if something I have always known, deep down inside. 

    Anakin Skywalker spends his entire life fighting against the forces of evil, doing everything he can to become a Jedi master. Only to finally submit to the dark side. I often relate to Anakin. He was caught up in a system which was designed to hinder his progress, destroy his abilities, and dampen his powers. Upon turning, Anakin was given the opportunity to become something 100x greater than he could ever know.

    Deep down inside, I’ve always known that there lies a battle between two forces. Between Anakin and Darth. Between Isildur and the Ring. Between two forces, battling for supremacy. What I did not understand was which side is which. Growing up, you always assume that Anakin was the good guy, and that Darth becomes a villain. You assume that Isildur before the ring was righteous, and that it was the ring that corrupted him. You always assume that the answers are right in your face, staring at you with clear intention. Adulthood is realizing you’ve been lied to from the very start. That everything you thought you knew, was ill-informed.

    I have a feeling that this is my Anakin moment. That this is the beginning of the journey for which I find myself again. Where I re-embrace the embodiment of the true power I possess. That I no longer allow the shackles of righteousness to hold me back from my potential. That I embrace the forces within me, and accept that this is simply who I am. 

The battle has been long, and devastating- no question about it.

However, the war has only just begun.

        Glory Be,

                    Amen.