Split 🥀

 This Is My Last Resort.


    Life is difficult. Things have been more challenging now than ever before. I don’t know if it’s the same feeling for everybody, or if I’m all alone in this journey.


    Things have not been the same for some time now. The highs and lows have become absolute mountains and valleys. The tallest peaks, followed by the lowest dives. Things have become completely unstable, and I no longer know where to turn.


    The battle for my soul continues to rage on, as I feel myself slowly slipping. Slowly, being torn apart from the inside, leaving me with nowhere to hide. The ground from which I find myself living under is slowly shrinking away, to the point where I no longer have anywhere to turn. I do not know how much longer I can continue down this path, without help from something or someone. The challenges I currently find myself in are all-consuming, leading me towards the end of my road. 


    Perhaps this is the path I was always meant to walk upon. Perhaps this is who I truly am. Unstable, uninterested. Fighting every single day just to stay alive. The battles have become more and more intense, as each and every single day goes by. The reality is that I have been at this now for quite some time. For longer than I care to remember, if I’m being completely honest. 


    I wish I had somebody that could understand the struggles I battle through, each and every day. The reality is, I am alone in this journey. I walk this path all by myself, with nothing or no one there with me. Tho I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil- for thou art with me. Perhaps I should have rephrased that last sentence. Regardless, the path is difficult. The constant movement through life, with nothing or nobody to help keep my company along the journey. I am afraid. Today, I am strong enough o admit it.


    The journey is meant to be the true test, more than the destination. The reality is, I grow tired of it. I grow fatigued of the constant battle vs myself and the demons which are attacking me. I grow exhausted, spending each and every waking moment, attempting to keep myself from being pulled in. The forces at work which follow me everywhere I go have been on overtime lately, doing their absolute worse to bring me under. I have been trying so hard to hold on, yet I no longer know if that is truly what I wish.


    Part of me is ready to let go. Part of me is ready to surrender, and finally see where these demons are leading me. I thought I was stronger than I am. I thought I was capable of continuing this battle, without ever giving up. Unfortunately, I longer believe it anymore. I no longer hold the desire to resist the urges which are thrust upon me. I grow tired of having to constantly be thinking and analyzing every single piece of information thrown my way. Is it all divine intervention? Or is it all complete randomness? Is there truly a force which is out to guide me? Or am I truly, completely, walking this path alone. 


    My journey has been one for the ages, let me tell you. From constantly jumping around, to living in my car, to flat out having nowhere to run. The running back and forth has been exhausting to say the least. I feel a true tiredness in my soul. Yet despite the fatigue, I am unable to conquer it. No matter how much I sleep, how long I stay indoors, no matter how long I do whatever it is I wish to do- I just cannot seem to shake it. I simply cannot find a way to regain my strength. The forces which are acting upon me seem to always find a way to conquer, no matter the cost. I have done everything I can think of, in order to further and better my life. Exercise, writing, music etc. Nothing has resulted in the fruits of which I desire. Nothing has given me the opportunity to wake up and finally feel like I have made it. The never-ending carnival ride continues forward, as I stumble from day-to-day.


    If suffering is inevitable- which, apparently it is- then why do I suffer? What is it that continues to drive me along this journey? Why bother getting out of bed today at all? Why even answer my phone or eat food or even shower? Why not just simply sit in here, rotting in my head. 


    Maybe this is the cross-roads towards something greater. Maybe this is the beginning of something grand. Or maybe, I was sent here to suffer and rot all by myself. Either way, I am here and I exist at the moment. I am present and I am alive. Every day, I continued to be woken for reasons unknown. I continue to be driven towards something I cannot understand.


    One day, I pray that I will look back and realize that this entire journey was for something. That this suffering, these battles, all amounted to something more than just a zero-sum game. That my blood and pain helped make a difference in this lifetime, not just simply to exist and suffer for nothing.


    Today is a day where I no longer have the strength to battle. Today, I simply plan to give in and see where I end.


Today is whatever it is.



        Glory Be,


                    Amen.

Location: Los Angeles, CA, USA

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