Switch 🎚️

 At What Point Do You Switch?

    Seriously. At what point, do you say “Fuck It”, and throw everything in to the wind? At what point, do you say “This ain’t it, Chief”, and blow everything up like a popsicle stand?

    Whenever that is, I seem to have found that point. I seem to have found the reality where things are just flat-out not working. No matter what I say or do, the process will not move forward. It’s like being caught in a whirlwind, constantly spinning around over and over again.

    At first, riding the wave seemed like fun. Callabunga my dudes, two fingers up and yolo! Life is good. But now, as we enter month 4 of this never-ending shitshow, I’ve began recalculate a lot of what I hold true. 

    I still believe that being able to achieve your goals requires you to be both flexible, yet stubborn. Flexible, on how you accomplish them. Stubborn, on accomplishing them in general. The idea of Yin and Yang, two forces, Good and Evil, working together in order to execute your own will. Overall, these two forces spin together and merge, creating something completely unforeseen, helping achieve something each individual force could not.

    When there is a will, there is a way. And let me tell you, there is a will. I am determined to find a way to achieve all which i desire. From my career, to my relocation. Anything to get the ball going and moving towards a life which I can finally cue proud and enjoy. Something which will allow me to get out of bed in the morning, and excited to get going. Anything but what I am currently experiencing, let me tell you.

    Things are complicated, to say the least. The process is one which requires a ton of moving parts. From things completely out of my control, to things which I have my find on the pulse. Either way, the need to be able to roll with both, simultaneously, and make things work. 

    Overall, the goals cannot change. The process, the vision, the journey and path which we have embarked on- they do not sway. The methods towards the madness, in which we strive towards said goals however, must. They must become flexible, and willing, to try any and everything. Anything to bring us one step closer toward the things that we call life. I am willing to bend and twist, yet never to break. Never to snap and sell my soul, in exchange for earthly pleasures. I have made a commitment to uphold my soul, uphold my birth right, and strive to become the individual I was born to be. I cannot and will not allow the distractions to pull me apart, and create something that I am not. I was born here with a mission- one which only I can know.

    Perhaps life is holding me back for a reason unknown. Perhaps, there is something waiting for me up ahead that I cannot see, but must be willing to hold back on until the storm has passed. The fact is, I do now know everything. In fact, I would argue that I know absolutely nothing at all. Overall, I am simply a collection of atoms, twirling around in the Universe, lost at sea. Lost, and stuck at home. Could be worse, I suppose. But definitely could be better. Regardless, we continue forward, plotting on our great escape.

    Honestly, maybe we aren’t even made of atoms. I don’t have a clue anymore. And I’m okay with that. I enjoy ignorance, it truly is blissful. The ego loves to control everything and believe that it is in charge of the Universe. It believes that it can play God. Unfortunately for it, yet fortunately for me, that is not possible. Imagine playing God? No thank you. Sounds exhausting. Which is ironic, because yesterday I wrote about wanting to wrestle with him for complete control. Perhaps yesterday, my ego was in charge. Maybe I still do wish to be in control. Who knows. I don’t. I don’t even know what day of the week it is. Who cares.

    Life is moving at 1000 miles per minute, perhaps even faster. I must find a way to make the most out of it, while I still can. This stagnation had become something which is no longer fun. I no longer enjoy sitting around, unable to do anything at all. I long for warm weather and sunny beaches, the ability to post up at a bar with a pint, and work on my writings. The ability to connect with others, and create a life where I can be myself. To be at ease, and enjoy my surroundings. To have the opportunity to truly connect and make lifetime friendships along the way. The desire to truly settle in and find myself and my soul, allowing me to blossom. The challenges we have faced up to this point have been difficult, to say the least. Yet, despite the difficulties- we have been blessed. We have been given things which many people cannot afford. We truly must be grateful for all which has unfolded.

    It’s crazy to think that in almost a year, exactly to the date, I was living in my vehicle. Sleeping in my trunk, down south, frying my soul away. Who would have thought, that in the depths of the sun, I would have found God. I would have found my soul. The ability to go all in, and never look back. I am grateful. I am blessed. I am beyond anything ever comprehensible to those who do not understand what it is like to not be whole.

        
        Glory Be,

                    Amen.