Unhinged 🚪

 More dreams of Love.


    More dreams of being insanely with someone, only to wake up and find that it’s gone. To wake up and realize that I am back to my hell of a life, with nobody there by my side.


    You’d think after a while, you’d get used to it. The long days, longer nights. The never-ending grind of making it thru while the clock ticks life away. But the truth is, you struggle. You do your best simply to survive. Nothing else can describe it. 


    I believe it was Dostoevsky who said something about being unable to love is being in hell. Well, Fyodor, we’ve made it. If only he had left the instructions on how to get out while he was at it. I’ve reached a dead-end, and there’s simply no escaping it. Every step that I take, keeps me locked into the prison which I currently find myself in. Seriously, there is no way Hell can be any worse than this. 


    Life is draining. That much, I know for sure. Every single fucking day, having to wake up and do something. All I do is the same shit, every fucking day. Wake up, coffee, write, bike, shower, eat, run, shake, workout, supper, suffer, sleep. Over and over again. Nothing ever fucking changes, and I’m losing my fucking mind. I am stuck here, by myself. All alone, with no human connection. I haven’t felt another human being on my skin in months. I haven’t even spoken to somebody in forever. Every single fucking day, just suffering in my mind. Suffering, at the pain of existence and the problem of consciousness. 


    Some days, I believe that I must suffer in order to remain human. I believe that it is my duty, to continue to push forward, until I find a way. Other days, I want to say fuck it, and throw it all into the wind. I want to sign up for a lobotomy, and completely remove myself from this prison. Today is one of those days. Do you have any idea how difficult it is, wishing to move forward and see something? To simply go out into the public, and sat at a bar for a drink? Do you know what I would do, simply to be surrounded by others? To hear people talk and laugh, just to pretend like I am real? The suffering is never-ending, and I am growing tired of the pain. The constant dragging of my feet, every single fucking day.


    I don’t understand it. I don’t understand how everybody else just simply runs around, with their head in the clouds. Constantly moving thru life, not even questioning it. Not ever wondering why they do the things they do. It’s like they’re simply frozen. Like somebody simply removed their brains. Oh how I long to be an idiot. How I long to have no care in the world, except where I’ll find my next drink or smoke. The human condition, reduced to nothing more than an animal. Eat, Drink, Fuck. Nothing more, nothing less. No meaning. No purpose. Just simply a waste of carbon, floating thru this thing we call life.


    I lack purpose. Pure and simple. I lack a reason to wake up in the morning and enjoy my life. Sometimes, I wish I could be a simpleton, and believe that allowing somebody else to dictate my purpose is a great way to live. To bend the knee, and believe that some bureaucrat asshole has power over me and my life. Tell me what time to show up at, tell me what time to get off at. Tell me how high to jump, how high to run. Tell me everything and anything which I’m allowed to do. The never-ending order taking, of allowing another individual to run my life. The horror. 


    In life, you either live on your knees or die on your feet. I refuse to bend. I refuse to beg for mercy, from the evil which is persisting around the globe. Something inside of me will not go along with the plan, no matter what it is that’s at stake. I suppose I’m simply meant to die on my feet. Which is okay. I’m more than ready for that. I am prepared to accept my fate, as I fade into the long goodnight. 


    Today, I’m on a destructive path. I can feel it in my soul. Today, I am looking to break down the old and welcome in the new. I am on a warpath, to complete destruction. Something inside of me is calling to fight, fight, against the dying of the light. The never-ending cycle of progress, being shattered into a million little pieces. Today, I am unhinged. No questions about it. I woke up, and chose violence. I have been living with peace, living with patience, for far too long. Today, I crave the out-of-the-ordinary, that you can only dream about. I no longer have the will to simply shut up and play my part.


    How I plan on going about that today, remains to be seen. There is only so much damage you can do, living in debt. There is only so far you can travel, until your feet give out. Living alone, here in the wilderness, has done something to me. It has destroyed my old self, and rebirthed the animal within. The wolf, who longs for nothing more than survival. The animal which can no longer fit into the bullshit society others have formed. I no longer crave to fit in to a world based on lies and deception. A constant mirage of lies, controlling the masses. I crave more to life than going along with he plot.


    I am awake. I am beyond saving. I am completely and utterly out of my mind.


Today, I am that I am.



        Glory Be,


                    Amen.

Location: Montreal, QC, Canada

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