Leap of Faith 🌴

 Leap Day, Leap Year.

    Yesterday, I lost power at my place. A storm rolled through the neighbourhood and knocked us off the power grid for most of the day.

    I’ve experienced not having power before, and honestly it’s never really bothered me too much. However, losing power in the dead of winter, when it’s freezing cold outside- sucked. I was unable to perform any of my regular tasks, missing my workouts. No access to heat, water or internet made things challenging to say the least. Regardless, life waits for nobody. I had to find a way forward.

    What transpired yesterday can be called an unexpected day off. A day, where I took time to truly sit back and reflect on it all. Actually, that might be a bit of a lie. I took time to really do nothing instead. To be completely free from all forces, and allowing myself to simply hang. My first day off, in forever. I can’t even tell you how long it’s been. 

    Overall, I did not enjoy it. I did not enjoy breaking away from the normal, progressive pattern that I’ve been grinding away at as of late. I always find that it’s the next day, today, which becomes the most challenging. To break out of bad habits, and go back to the regularly scheduled program. I read a quote once that I believe was Michael Phelps, who basically said that he hated taking a day off, because it would always take him two days to get back into it. The feeling is mutual, Michael.

    Progress has been made, and things are in motion. There’s no doubt about it. However, my anxiety for what the future holds is still fluttering. I am still unsure of what to expect. I am meant to surrender my problems, and put my faith in God. I am doing my best to follow through with that, every single day. I am attempting the impossible, breaking an absolute point in time. It is something which I never even thought possible, until recently. Something, I am anxious about 24/7. Yet regardless, I must continue to move forward. I must continue to work, to absorb as much power and strength as possible, and continue with the mission. I simply require more power, more energy, in order to succeed. I will accomplish everything which I have been gifted in my mind’s eye.

    The road ahead if difficult, to say the least. I have been injured, no doubt about it. The trauma from my last experience, of stepping out into the world, has left its mark. I have yet to return to the outside since then. It’s been a while now, and I am tired of it. I have been studying and learning everything I can, in hopes of acquiring enough power to control everything. I should know better. I should know that I will never be able to play God. Yet I try, regardless. Yet I continue to push forward, in hopes of achieving the impossible. Perhaps I should quit. Perhaps I should lay down my arms, and accept defeat after all. Yet something inside of me cannot accept it. Something, deep within the realm, is calling me forward. I will not surrender to this force. This force- which I will control.

    Life is so complicated. Seriously, I don’t get it. Not a single bit. I saw a great quote from Dune yesterday, when I was re-watching the first movie.

Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.

    There’s truth in that statement. Something about this life, I’ve been dressing as a test. A quiz. Something which requires me to solve it, in order to move forward. Perhaps I am the one who is mistaken. Perhaps, there is no answer which I can demise. If I am simply here to experience this thing called life- then when is it my turn?

    My scars run deep, and the blood has almost been dried up. I have been fighting against it for so long now, it’s been draining my soul. My entire life has been a fuck-up, mistake after mistake. Every single decision I ever made, was the wrong turn. Or am I suppose to believe it was the right one? Am I suppose to understand that everything I ever did, lead me to this moment? Perhaps this is the reason I am still here, fighting today.

    It puts my head in a pretzel. Honestly- it hurts. I spend every single night, slipping away into unconsciousness, dreaming about the life I once had. Dreaming about everything which I once held in the palm of my hand- everything which I wish to hold again. I dream of situations and scenarios, reliving them in my head, over and over again. It’s trauma. It’s scar tissue, which continues to be present in my everyday life. The thought that I can somehow turn the clock back and return to my former self. The idea that there is still a window in which I can reclaim all that is mine to begin with. The pain I hold within cannot be explained over text.

    People always tell you to let go, to surrender. They continue to push others into the same submissive stance which they live their lives in as well. Nobody wants to see you do better than them. If everybody accepted that it wasn’t talent which lead to success- but simply hard work- how would that make them feel about themselves?

    The human mind is a complex one. So complex, because we think for ourselves. At least, we do in theory. Most people don’t think, period. They’re living life in a zombie-like stance, unaware of anything which is truly going on. It becomes difficult to talk to others, when you no longer sleep-walk like they do. When you no longer run the rat race, chasing after cheese until you die. It’s a cold, cold world out there, folks.

    Today, I’m getting back into the swing of things. Today, I will return onto the path of no return. I do not know where I am headed, though I have an idea in my mind. An idea, placed by God himself within me. A vision, which only I can see. Something in my mind, which visits me every single night. Something which drives me, each and every day.

I will follow it, until the very fabric of reality bends to my will.

        Glory Be,

                    Amen.