No Country for Old Men 🐎

    Today, I feel destructive.

    Today, I feel like breaking all the rules. Today, I no longer wish to be bound by the moral right or wrongs. It’s been a long journey, and I’m tired of it. I’ve been breaking my back, just trying to survive for too long. I no longer wish to fight.

    Maybe that’s a sign of weakness on my part. Perhaps, I’m not as strong as I thought. Either way, the past while has been exhausting to say the least. A constant battle between light and dark, fighting against the demons and spirits which surround me. I have been at this war for far too long, and I have grown weary. I continue to take battle against the forces which are attempting to corrupt me- but for what purpose? What has been my reward? The overall battlefield has been bloody and disastrous. I cannot in my right mind continue down the road which lays before me. I have reached a breaking point- one which I do not feel like I can return to. 

    Violence is what I crave. I feel it deep within my soul. The urge to become the very weapon which for years has been formed against me. I tire of the politics, I tire of all the diplomacy which we are asked to portray every single day. I wish for the world to be real, just this once. I wish for the ability to no longer play along with this game. The need to let go and express myself, not holding myself back any longer. I grow tired of keeping up with this charade of fitting in. I no longer care to play these games. I long for a purpose, one where I can dig in and release the demons inside of me. I have been holding on for far too long.

    Perhaps that is where I have been mistaken. Perhaps, I have simply been going about it the wrong way. I am meant to observe, not absorb it. I have been absorbing things for years. I feel heavy, I feel burdened, by all of which I have consumed. Holding on to the past and the world around me, afraid to let go. What am I to do, once I surrender all which I have ever known? Who am I to be, once I am no longer defined by my experiences? The question is one that drives me to the edge of insanity, day in and day out. I understand that I am not my body, I am not my clothes. I am that I am. I simply are. Existence is such a mind-bending frame. Consciousness is a gift and a curse. I still do not know which one I lean towards. All these questions, all this thinking, trapped alone in the dark abyss. I have been fighting off the demons for so long now, that I can no longer contain it. They whisper lies into my ears, false narratives, which I long to hear. They feed into my doubts, filling me up with second thoughts. Overall, they know which strings to pull. 

    Manipulation is a strong form of magic. We are all manipulated, to a degree. We are manipulate when to wake up, where to show up, how to act, how to talk, how to think. We are constantly being pulled around and shown the ways for which we must fall into. The very boxes which have been created to dull our edges and trim our spheres. We have been squeezed into concepts and responsibilities which no longer resemble the individuals we were when we first walked in. I have been fighting all my life to remain how I am. Perhaps that was my mistake in the first place. Perhaps, we are all meant to change. I just wish I would be able to do it on my own terms. Instead, I am forced to fit into to some other’s needs. I no longer wish to remain formless, floating around the ether like water. I wish to take shape and seize all which I desire. The very world itself is up for taking, yet here I stand, afraid. Afraid of losing myself in the process. Clinging on to a shell of somebody that I once was, way back then. What for? What is his purpose? What do I do which requires me to bring him along? I’ve fought all my life to remain the child inside of me, yet what good has it brought?

    My faith is wavering, there is no doubt about it. My pain and suffering, has become too heavy to bear. I have done all that I can, in order to achieve it. I have given in, and done all I can do on my part. Perhaps now is the time for me to rise, to stand on my own two feet. To accept that I am no longer willing to live on my knees. To understand that it would be better to die on my feet instead. I no longer wish to play games, bowing and pretending like I wish to fit in. I no longer crave the desire to fight for a team. I wish to simply rise above all else, and become who I am truly meant to be. Supreme Cardinal, Sorcerer of the North. It’s got a good ring to it, eh? 

    In No Country for Old Men, Anton Chiguhr sits down with Carson Wells, and they have a conversation. At the end of the conversation, Chiguhr kills him. While speaking, he says to Carson “If your rule has lead you here- what good is the rule?” So, I ask- if your rule has lead you here- what good is the rule? What good has it brought you, all this way? What purpose has it provided, if it has all come to this. If you sit in the chair, across from the killer- what good did your sacrifice truly bring? Overall, Chiguhr is a psychopath. A cold-blooded killer. Yet why is it, that at the end of the film, he is the only one who survives? Why does evil permit to live another day? How come the forces which are meant to stop him, do not succeed in their plans? Yes, I know it’s a movie, I know it’s a scripted scene. However, the question still rings true. Why does evil get to see another light of day? I suppose the answer is that there is something more to life than just another sunrise.

    Maybe the title of the film is the answer I’ve been seeking. Maybe, that’s the part I’ve been missing within this entire thing. There is no country for old men. There is no world for old souls. Perhaps, we simply have lost to the evil around us. Perhaps, it was too much to contain. No country for old men, no world for old souls. Maybe I’m meant to evolve, to become more than I currently have been. Along those lines, one must be willing to let go all that which they hold dear, in exchange for what else there may be. In with the new, out with the old. Perhaps the world I grew up in, no longer exists. Perhaps there is no country left for an old soul like me.

        May God have mercy on us all,

                    Amen.