Ghosts n' Stuff 👻

 Last night, I was haunted by your ghost.

    I was visited by an old connaisance, and this morning when I woke up, all i could think of is her. 

    Funny how your brain works, eh? Haven’t seen or spoken to said individual for years now, yet after one dream- boom! Madly in love. Talk about insanity. I once read that when you dream of somebody else, they’re also dreaming of you. In all reality, I doubt that to be true. Perhaps, there is a version of them, somewhere out there, who shares your love in their subconsciousness. Perhaps, there is a connection, in another world. But in this realm, in this reality? I don’t think that to be true. 

    I find myself wondering how my life and relationships would be, if I were to ever pursue them according to my hearts desires. I often wonder, how things would be, if I was willing to open up, and give them a chance. Would I be happily in love? Would I have ran off, into the sunset, chasing marriage? Or would I have just experienced more heartbreak than I already have, leading me to a deeper and darker path? Probably the last one, to be honest. Relationships were never my strong point. Being the best version of yourself, every single day, well, it sounds exhausting to be honest. 

    Perhaps that’s my mistake in the first place. Perhaps, believing that it’s all an act. That I have to be better than ever, in order to maintain love. Perhaps I simply think I am not worthy. That last line probably reflects how I feel the most. Regardless, it’s an exhausting process. Every single day, having to rise above and beyond. After a while, what’s so wrong with laying in the dirt and feeling everything all at once? Why can’t I have a bad day, and do nothing about it. Sometimes, I enjoy sitting in the mess and allowing myself to truly soak it all in. The idea of always having to wear a mask or shield, standing up and pretending that things are okay, sounds like torture. 

    Now, I’m the first to admit that my track record is far from flawless. In fact, I’d say it’s full of flaws. I wouldn’t even be able to tell you how many times in my life, that I’ve honestly felt something or someone touch my core. Seriously. If I had to look back and reflect on it, I can only think of one, maybe two, if I really meant it. Everything from my past has been rocky to say the least. It’s just who I am. Smooth sailing never made for skilled sailors. I take that saying to heart, way too intensely apparently. My waters are more like an apocalypse. Regardless, the notion stands. Smooth waters. It’s all a lie, anyways. Constantly pretending that things are okay, and that everything is under control. After a while, it becomes exhausting. Spreading yourself so thin, trying to cover as much ground as possible. I don’t see how anybody in their right mind can act so fake.

    Keeping faith is one of the most important things in this journey, in my humble opinion. The boat may rock and roll, but you must always believe that God is guiding it. Guiding it, from everything you were ever meant to achieve. I believe that where most people go wrong, is that they no longer believe it. They no longer believe in the miracles of life. They surrender their understanding of God, in order to embrace a familiarity. They abandon the hope and faith of miracles, in exchange for modern science. The human longing of fitting in, and not standing out, overwhelms the weak will of man. The individual, who wishes only to know that they are in the majority, in fear of standing on their own. Science has provided an escape from reality, where individuals can live in a false sense of security and control, knowing that somebody else is pulling the strings.

    Humans are such a weird species. We fall and believe in everything other than God and ourselves. We surrender to the idea that we are in control of everything. That we ourselves hold the keys to the Universe. It’s such a false concept, it truly blows my mind. How we have fallen. From fighting for our own rights and freedoms, to surrendering them all within a lifetime. We are willing to literally forgo and give up whatever is necessary, in exchange for a false sense of security. Believing that there are individuals who are just better and stronger, born to rule, who sit above us. We live life on our knees, serving those who we think will take care of us and make us safe. It’s such a pathetic concept, when you truly think about it. We truly deserve all which we put up with.

    The more time I spend looking around, the more I realize that we are doomed. Truly, as a species. We are absolutely cooked. I do believe that someday, the human species will survive and make breakthroughs beyond my wildest dreams. That we will succeed in finding whatever it is out there that we are looking for. However, for the general public, I do not share the same view. I do not believe that the average individual is going to make it. They simply lack the will and the faith necessary. The power and strength which has been given to us, here on Earth, has all but been removed by the forces. Humanity has reached its weakest point to date.

    All in all, I often wonder what my life would look like, if I did take those leaps of faith. Perhaps things would have worked out, after all. Or perhaps, me not taking those leaps helped lead me exactly to where I was meant to be. Maybe everything is working out exactly as planned. Maybe God has been steering the ship the entire time, I just wasn’t aware of it. Perhaps that’s on me for not recognizing it sooner. No matter the case, one thing remains certain- God is in control. Not Science. Not Politics. Not even Power. God. G-O-D. 

    In the meantime, I’ll sit back and pretend that my ghost from last night loves me. I’ll keep her close to me today.

        Glory Be,

                    Amen.