February Rain 🌧️

 It’s raining outside.


    Today is one of those days, where everything seems gloomy. No sun, all clouds and a ton of rain. Normally, I’d enjoy this kind of weather. Stay inside, grab a coffee and enjoy the tranquility. Today, however, I can’t help but feel the gloom outside reflecting how I feel within.


    Things are bad. Everywhere, all over the world. It’s a non-stop bombardment of negative news and media, 24/7. My situation is becoming more and more hopeless, and I find it difficult to find the light. The irony, I suppose, is that I am meant to stand tall regardless. I am meant to not be afraid of the darkness, ignore the evil, and put my head down and work. Something inside of me is struggling with the constant battle between good and evil, over and over again. 


    Spiritual Warfare is an exhausting battle. Make no mistake- that is exactly what is going on. We are being attacked on all fronts, by an invisible enemy. The enemy works tirelessly, never resting, to bring chaos and destruction into our world. Some days, I feel like they’re winning. Others, I remember to keep the faith. Today, the first one applies. Perhaps it’s the weather. Perhaps it’s the gloom and darkness which I find myself surrounded by. I don’t know how much longer this battle will go on for, but I get a feeling that things won’t be getting better any time soon. 


    I sometimes wonder if this is all my fault. I truly wonder, deep down inside, if I am the one responsible for the mess. Was it something I said, in my moment of darkness? Was it something I wished for, when I was lost and afraid? Or am I truly nothing more than a spec of dust in the wind, sailing through the oceans of time? Either way, it’s real- and it’s here. The evil, the demons, the darkness, all real. They’ve been summoned here, to cause maximum chaos. They’ve been brought forth into the light, to attack and drain those who fear.


    Faith is the ability to believe that there is something else out there. Something, that is protecting us all. The idea that God is in control, and that we must not be afraid of whatever it is He has planned. Faith is also a skill, which must be practiced. Something, which takes great power and strength to achieve. I have my faith. I believe in everything I just mentioned. Some days are harder than others. Today is one of those days. 


    Perhaps I shouldn’t be mentioning it. Perhaps, I should pull my boots up and put on a fake face. Throw on a happy. mask, and pretend that everything is alright. The truth is, I’m tired. I’m exhausted. My soul is fading, and I can feel the life-force being drawn from within me. It isn’t so much the fear of everything, which has me in a death-grip. It’s more the unknown of the future and what is waiting for us up ahead. The anxiety not knowing what is about to happen to us all, here on Earth. The world we were born into, no longer exists. The world I grew up and prepared to live in, has vanished. I no longer understand what it is I am meant to do.


    I’m meant to surrender my anxieties, and put my trust in God. Have faith, and trust the process. And I do, truly. I believe that no matter what is in store, I will be able to accomplish it. However, some days, like today, I waiver. I grow tired of the weight which is resting on my shoulders. I long for some form of spark to help keep the fire within me burning. 


    Isolation has been challenging, to say the least. I am afraid that I have grown too comfortable in it. I honestly do not know how I will ever go back into the real world, knowing what I know now. I feel as if I am no longer fit to be a slave. Knowledge has given me power, and I no longer wish to bend my will to please another. I have become the strongest and most powerful version of myself to date- yet still I struggle. Still, I have so much further to travel. The never-ending staircase of life, always taking me higher and further than ever before. 


    It’s all about the journey, not the destination apparently. Yet I can’t help but wonder what the destination will be like. What will life be, once I finally make it? Once I finally escape this cave, and come back into the real world. Will I find joy and happiness? Will I find somebody I can call home? Or will this pain and suffering follow me, everywhere I go? Will this rain cloud I currently find myself in, follow me for the rest of eternity? I suppose I have nobody else to blame but myself. 


    When I look back at my life so far, I feel regret. I feel like I have wasted so much time, entertaining so many pointless things. I was lost and afraid. I made terrible mistakes. Yet they all lead me to this very moment, as I write these words across my screen. Were they meant to strengthen me? Or were they simply meant to eat me away? Regardless, they are forever. They’ve reached deep within me, and have destroyed all that I hold dear.


    I’m in a choke-hold, there’s no question about it. I am absolutely being strangled by Death himself, as he slowly tries to pull me under. I will not allow it. I will not give in. I understand that life is suffering, and there is no other way around it. The very purpose of my suffering is punishment for something I’ve done. Perhaps in a past life. Perhaps in a thousand past lives. Perhaps, I have been dealt this hand in order to make up for what I’ve done. 



        May God Have Mercy,


                    Amen.

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