Monday Thoughts 💭

  Is it worse to have loved and then lost, or to have never loved at all?

    I’m still haunted by your face in my dreams. Even last night, you visited me. Walking down the street, crossing paths. I keep on calling out to you, but for some reason you can never hear me from across the road. I guess my voice just gets lost in the wind. No matter how hard I try to reach you, you just don’t seem to receive the message. Maybe thats the omen, maybe thats the sign. Maybe I should just learn from it, and move on from these visions. If only it were that simple. To sleep has become my peace, my crutch. Sleeping allows me to be with you, to spend our time together. Even if it’s just by crossing the street and calling out your name- I’ll take it. Any moment with you beats a lifetime without. What a vicious cycle. It still baffles me that men used to go to war for their women. The entire Trojan War was fought over the beauty of a single woman. Yet here I sit, writing about you to a blank screen. I guess things are different now. I guess I’m no where near the man I should be. 

I’ve been rewatching the James Bond series lately. They’re probably some of my favourite films. The entire series is ridiculous and Michael Bay-esque, but the character himself is something to behold. Somebody, who will stop at nothing, to achieve all he desires. Absolute loyalty to his organization, to his country, and to his love. Pretty rare case in today’s world. There are so many scenes which are just straight-up ridiculous, straight-up impossible. Yet, whenever I watch them, I can’t help but feel like I would do the same. I would take the odds, even though they are impossible, and pull off the upset win. I guess that’s what they call an underdog eh? Regardless, James already manages to come out on top. No matter the challenge, no matter the probability, he wills his way to the outcome, every single time. I suppose thats why they’re movies. However, I still can’t shake the feeling that there’s more to them than meets the eye. In Quantum of Solace, he has to face an organization which is working across the world, to destabilize a government and take over the region’s natural resources. If that doesn’t ring bells, then I can’t help you. In Casino Royale, the villain, Le Chiffre, uses large amounts of customer funds to bet against the stock market by buying puts on certain companies, gambling that they will fail. Again, more bells. And in No Time To Die- which is by far, the worst movie of the series- the main character uses advanced bio-engineered weapons which only attack those who carry a unique DNA using micro-bots. Once again, ding-ding-ding! I’m still convinced that Hollywood simply tells us the truth of the world in the form of movies, because the average Joe who watches them could never quite put all of it together and wake up instead. Deception is a key agent in keeping the masses under control. Regardless, the entire series is an eye-opener to say the least. The main reason, however, that I love it so much, is that the woman Bond ends up falling in love with looks just like you. Same hair, same eyes, same face. Even the same attitude, go figure. I think i’m just addicted to the pain at this point. The old familiar sting.

I’ve had a couple people come and go in my life, each leaving their own unique mark on my skin. I believe that in this life, everybody has something to offer, no matter how small. Some are painful, some are wonderful, some are flat-out forgettable. But regardless, they all add up to form this little thing called life. I suppose the sun wouldn’t be special, if it weren’t for rain. The pain is only a contrast to what’s on the other side of it all. Sometimes, I enjoy the pain a little too much. Sometimes, I enjoy just sitting in it, allowing it to consume me completely. The pain is a familiar feeling, one where I can create the illusion of being in control. It makes me feel like I’m at home. The same old cuts and bruises, slowly bleeding me away. I keep on picking at the scabs, because deep down, I don’t think I truly wish to heal. To completely let go, to completely allow my body and soul to regenerate. Something keeps me up late at night, not allowing me to fully recover from the wounds. Again, I am the culprit. I am the captain, who steers this ship. The pilot, who is in charge of landing. Yet for some reason, the wind has been taken from my sails. The very force which allowed me to fly, has kept me grounded. One of my favourite sayings tells me, that if man has no heading, then no wind is favourable. I guess right now I’m just lost at sea.

I suppose the time will come, where I am meant to spread my wings, and take flight once again. I imagine that the day will arrive, where I will be forced to jump off that cliff, and survival will become imminent. Sometimes the knowledge that death waits for us at the bottom of the journey, is enough to spring us back into flying again. Perhaps that’s true. Or perhaps it is death which will welcome me with open arms, greeting me like an old friends. After all these years of running, after all these years of trying to ease the pain- perhaps I should simply lean in. Perhaps, I should embrace the flames which burn against me, threatening to melt myself away. Maybe that’s the key to this whole puzzle. Maybe, the very thing which I fear, is what is holding me back. Regardless, I have a feeling that within time, I will find out. Time is undefeated, after all. No matter how hard I fight, Time will always be there to humble me. To knock me down, and remind me of my place. To cover me in earth and flowers, six feet deep. From the ground I was born, and into the ground I will return. Kinda poetic, wouldn’t you say? The never-ending cycle of life. It truly is beautiful. Despite all the pain and suffering, it really is something you have to experience yourself to fully understand. The never-ending thrill of danger, looming around you at all times. It’s enough to drive one mad. Yet then again, perhaps madness is the key to it all. You’d have to be mad to truly understand it. You need to lose your mind, to find your soul. The entire world is operating off of some sort of false pretence, some sort of giant lie. The truth has been obscured from our sight, and we simply go along with it. We simply believe that everything is as it’s meant to be. We as humans, are slowly losing our faith. Faith in love, faith in life. Faith in God. We exchange the unknown, for lies we are familiar with. I suppose the comforts of ignorance are an addicting drug. 

I think today I’m going to enjoy the suffering. Today, I’m going to lean into the pain. I’ve been running for far too long, afraid of what I’m feeling. Afraid that my dreams are simply that- dreams. Maybe today is the fresh start I’ve been looking for. Maybe today, I’ll take a look at it all and feel it as deep as I know. If I am to suffer, I might as well do it on my own terms. Why live a life, where I am at the mercy of my own thoughts? Better to grab the bull by the horns, than to simply hope it’ll pass you by. Perhaps today is the day where I discover something new. Perhaps, underneath all the pain and suffering, lies an even deeper meaning that I once knew, but have long forgotten. Perhaps today is the day, which I finally break thru. Regardless, today is whatever I make it. I suppose that’s the definition of true power.

    I Love You, bb loup

                            Amen